Sometimes, I wish that I wasn’t such a slave to food. That I didn’t feel completely powerless when offered a piece of candy, or a slice of cake. That my entire day wouldn’t be thrown off just because I screwed up once.
Sometimes, I wonder what it’s like to be normal. To not be thinking about food all the time. To be able to focus on the current task at hand, instead of when my next meal or snack is going to be. I wonder what’s it like to never count calories, to stop eating when you’re full, and to always listen to your body.
Sometimes, I wonder if this battle will ever end. If I will ever find peace with food and balance in my life. If I will ever get “back on track” and finally lose the weight for good. If will ever be content with the way I look. If I will ever be that person that I so desperately want to be. That role model.
Sometimes, I feel like a fraud because I don’t post everything I eat. The healthy stuff always makes it on the blog, but the not-so-healthy stuff usually doesn’t. Part of that is because I feel guilty about it and know I shouldn’t be eating it, and part of that is because I know that there are some people out there who make me feel bad when I mess up and I just don’t want to hear it.
These are the things I struggle with every. single. day. Sometimes I just get sick of it. One step forward and two steps back. It gets old, and I’m sick of it.