A few days ago, I was looking through old pictures on my computer and came across this one of my sister and I that was taken last June:
At the time that this picture was taken, the only thing that was going through my mind was “I need to lose more weight.” I had a goal weight in mind, and that was all that mattered to me. Now, I look at this picture (and many others that were taken last spring) and all I can think is “Holy crap, I’m so SKINNY.” Back then, I associated 165 pounds as still “overweight,” and while it still technically is overweight for my height, today I would do anything to be that size again. Even though a 20 pound gain doesn’t seem like much compared to where I started, I’m amazed at what a difference it makes in a number of areas in my life.
For one, I hate having my picture taken and, without even realizing it was happening, have reverted back to the “must suck everything in and stand in exactly this pose and hold the camera at exactly this angle” attitude to get an acceptable photo. Many times, that still doesn’t work. For example, I cringe when I look at this picture. Not only am I unhappy with the way I look, but for goodness sakes, I’m dipping marshmallows into a flippin’ chocolate fountain.
As I’ve mentioned before, the weight gain has also affected the way my clothes fit. In other words, they DON’T fit. It’s so frustrating to not be able to comfortably button pants that used to be loose on you. It’s upsetting to open your closet and have so many shirts, but have to choose from a select few that don’t accentuate your muffin top too badly. I remember when I could wear everything in my closet and always be happy with how it fit and the way I looked.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, this affects my happiness and my mood. I feel like I have been so successful in all the other areas of my life, yet this weight problem is keeping me from reaching my full potential. I’m the happiest when I’m confident and when I’m reaching all of my goals, and right now I am neither of those things. My happiness also affects my blogging. When I’m down or depressed about something (whether it be my weight or something else) I lose my motivation to blog because I feel like I don’t deserve to have so many followers, which is completely ridiculous; I know. Trust me, I am grateful for everyone who reads what I have to say and truly appreciate that you keep coming back. You have no idea how much it means to me.
It’s no secret that my motivation has been lacking for almost a year now. It’s no secret that I’ve written countless posts about this. In fact, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little embarrassed about the fact that I have written so many posts about it, but what can I say? It is what it is and this blog is about my journey.
Losing weight is like quitting smoking: you have to want it and you won’t be successful unless you are committed. You won’t be successful as long as the excuses keep flowing, as long as you have “just a little bit” here and there, and as long as the gratification you get from food overpowers your desire to lose weight. Right now, I am guilty of all of these things. I like food, a LOT, and I make excuses for why I won’t stop eating it. Even if one of my reasons is “I just can’t stop,” it’s still an excuse. I don’t know how or when I’m finally going to start steadily losing again, but believe me when I say that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t try.
I don’t really have much more to say, and I realize now that there really isn’t much point to this post other than being a personal reflection of what’s been going through my mind lately. All I know is that I miss this girl:
Goofy and a little obnoxious? Maybe. Confident and happy? Definitely.
I’m determined to find her again.