Friday, December 28, 2012

Twenty-Four

I’ve sat down to write this post a number of times, but I always come down with a serious case of writer’s block and can never figure out how to put into words what I feel. Then I saw this post on Ben’s blog and realized that he could not have put it better.

“You don’t start down the road to health hoping you’ll eventually lose your way.”

“You don’t think ‘man, I sure hope I lose a bunch of weight and then gain a bunch of it back.’”

“You don’t make fitness plans with the intention of backing out on those plans, losing motivation, binge eating, and skipping workouts.”

When I first started down my own journey to health nearly four years ago, I was so caught up in the rush of losing weight, the good feeling I had about myself, the smaller clothes, and all of the compliments that I thought there was no way I would ever lose my motivation. I used to be perplexed as to how someone could lose a significant amount of weight and then gain any of it back. I used to wonder how anyone could just return to their old habits, undo all of their hard work, and feel bad about themselves again.

It’s hard to admit, but I was sort of arrogant. I thought I was better than other people because I was losing all the weight and I was going to keep it off. How could I not keep it off? After all, my blog had taken off and I was even featured on MSN (you may read the article here). I thought the fact that I had all of these readers who followed me and people who were expecting me to succeed would keep me accountable and on track.

Well, I was wrong. It’s been a rough year, a humbling year, and an emotional rollercoaster of sorts. A lot of things have changed in my life, and while many of them have been good changes, the change in my weight has not been one that I’m proud about. No one wants to sign on to their blog after being absent for a month and write a post about how they have been failing, especially when they have wrote this post too many times before. However, I’ve always been straight with you guys and I’d like to think that my honesty and realness is what keeps you coming back.

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. 23 was a great year – I graduated from pharmacy school, started dating Eric, and got my own apartment – but here’s to hoping 24 is even better. All I can do is start over, write new goals, and keep on trying. Am I back to where I started four years ago? Not even close. But I am extremely disappointed in myself and I want to fix it.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that nothing and no one can motivate you to succeed but yourself. If you’re not doing this for yourself, you’re going to keep starting over again and again, and you’ll never get it right.

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